update on things!

It’s Friday night. I’m just listening some music on my phone because my computer moves way to slow, and generally keeping up with things on the web. Friday’s are always the time of my most socializing state, where I go on line and just bask in every type of site possible, from Tumblr, Twitter, Goodreads, Facebook etc. It’s the time for writting book reviews, poems, and useless stuff that I write just for practice like dialogues or killing scenes or long/short descriptions of things around the house, in order to get a better understanding of how I can use a lot or a few words and create an impression.

It’s also the time I get scared or melancholic about… stuff. Everything, really. Turning 18 didn’t help me calm down, it just made me want to work more and be even more active academically and just go on non-stop. I don’t have time anymore for anything except studying. And I sometimes wonder if it’s just a problem of mine or if it is how I’m supposed to be.

A completely unrelated idea: I discovered I like Dostoyevsky. I started reading Crime and Punishment and it hit me, how … depressing and incredibly beautiful it is. Hard to understand how a man can think of such a morronic and whimpering and idiotic characters, and make him seem such an infinite source of surprise for the reader. Anyways, a review on that book will be posted soon, because it’s sure worth it.

I’m currently working on a poem that kind of continues one of my old series of poems, but it’s separated in the way that I’m trying to make it longer and darker than anything I’ve written before. I feel this need to create characters and then kill them. It has already happened in a few short pieces, and I am quite scared with myself. I guess I’m just experimenting with different types of writing, but it gets on my nerves when I kill my favorite people over and over again.

Still haven’t managed to get a good night’s sleep in about three weeks, and it starts to take a toll on me. I have a competition next Friday and I want to badly to win it I keep studying and studying and studying and it’s tiring me out like hell. I’m missing on parties and friends because of this obsession with perfection in the academic area and it keeps being pointed out to me. I hate it when people do that.

I like diet syrup. Random fact. The one for diabetics. It’s addictive.

Also, I smoke too much. Got up to about a pack a day and it’s not good at all.

I need sleep!

Nice things I’ve discovered this week: Hyperliterature.com and a course on Storytelling that I am going to start over email with some teachers at a British University. I am also enrolling for a course on A Philosophy: Politics, also on email.

So many things to do! So little time!
So few hours of sleep..

The new poem might go on line tonight, if I finish it. I just drank a large cup of Black Tea so I’m proobably not going to sleep for a while.

Have a nice night!

f*ck hope

“Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain’t going to do any good; you’re just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here… like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.”

-George Carlin

time

it’s hard to believe time flies. but it does. there’s really no better analogy for it than the fact that it “flies” – time finds its freedom and we die caged, without it.

i think that is the most important currency we’ve been given to trade on this earth – time. it weighs infinite more than its weight in gold, and it’s a bitter coin, one which tastes like rotten hope. you can give time away, but never get it back. it’s a no loan situation, where even if you wanted to, you don’t want to let it go.

and the weirdest things about it is that we realize its importance too late. it makes us confused: first, we have all the time in the world, then they tell us it’s not exactly like that, than they tell us time isn’t a human’s tool, and then suddenly we have no more of it left.

so this currency.. use it wisely. buy only the friends that you need and the happiness you know you can get. greed not over other unimportant goods, for those come along once you have the first two.

and be careful. because one day, you might want to purchase another thing and realize the wallet of your life is empty..

don’t lose it. don’t lend it. and don’t spend it foolishly.

just thoughts

how is it that we are so afraid of change and yet crave for it so badly? is it inside of us, to make ourselves suffer through this type of thinking? why do we lust and reject at the same time? are we.. wrong, in some way? need we be fixed?

or is it that which defines us, the need to hurt ourselves in order to achieve happiness?

we’re not complicated. we just haven’t given ourselves enough time. after all, we’re new to this world. we’re just babies, just born, still covered in our mother’s blood, screaming and crying after that first hurtful breath of air that will unplug our lungs.

mindless creature that we are.

so much knowledge in us, so much opportunity humanity has but..

we’re so young.

so, so young.

through us

breathe, make me breathe harder,

harsher,

and become the sum of all things;

make me this world’s sculpture.

make me the sky above,

turn me into the fire below;

count my hairs as hopes so they’re so many

they seem infinite

and my skin – particles of dust held

tight together,

numbers indefinite.

my eyes, two gates to the fields,

and my mouth your hope of summer.

my laughter is the roar of the wilderness

and my tears the rain in the forest.

for it’s bliss and torture

to have you here, in me,

and i don’t know which one is which,

anymore.

I am everything, all of this,

through you, through us.

 

and as the night comes along,

think of our love as the dawn’s

last shimmer.

for through it we give birth

and die..

all at the same time.

 

 

Lusting

I somehow got to thinking about lust.

What is lust? Well..

1. Intense or unrestrained sexual craving.

2. a. An overwhelming desire or craving: a lust for power.

b. Intense eagerness or enthusiasm: a lust for life.

3. Obsolete Pleasure; relish.

intr.v. lust·ed, lust·ing, lusts
To have an intense or obsessive desire, especially one that is sexual.

After this description, we can clearly say it’s a specifically human emotion. Animals aren’t capable of “lust” because for them life is a chain of events that help them evolve in a momentary way and satisfy a “young” need in every one of them. You could say the instant gratification an animal needs is keeping them from being able to feel “lust”. In a human, lusting happens after the thinking process enters the stage. You have to think about the object of your desire and imagine scenarios that imply it in order for it to become a constant and somehow involuntary process in your mind.

The first meaning of the word that comes to mind is understood in a sexual way. When you lust for someone, you are clearly referring to the kinky stuff. You won’t lust (or won’t lust too much) for someone’s eyes or feelings; you think about their bodies and what you could do with them. The sexual element is implied – therefore, you can be ashamed of lusting after someone. But isn’t it normal? Isn’t it a factual banality, craving for one’s body? Isn’t it more instinctual for a human being to observe and dream about a physical contact rather than an intellectual one? I think so. We live in a physical world and when we meet with someone, the tangible, real thing about them is their body, whilst their mind is enclaved and present only through the eyes and words. Statistically, it’s a very small chance that someone would first observe the mind, and then the package.

So, body lust is a normal thing. Now, what has modern society done so that it became a bit of a tabu thing? It educated its members and constrained them into the idea of shame. It is, in many situations, a shameful thing to say – that you lust for someone. Society has tried to strangle the sexual content of the human being, whilst at the same time trying to portray sexuality as a sort of a weapon to be used in order to attack or defend. Example: the media relies mainly on sexual content, so they “attack” the people that use it under different forms, with images of women and men in sexually explicit positions, with lyrics or movies that refer to it. They haven’t quite figured yet that you can’t take the sex out of humanity – we’re amongst the few species that can sustain intercourse outside of the reproductional circle – for the simple reason of liking it. How many dogs have you seen humping outside of their normal period? None. Because they don’t feel the need to – why? Well, it must be that they don’t find it a pleasurable act; for them, it’s no more than a need. We do like it. Humans are champions at sex. And that’s why lust is a big component in a man’s life – it kindles the fire for sexuality and sensuality.

Now, there is the other meaning of the word: intense eagerness or enthusiasm, as in “lust for life”. If death were to come upon you without you being prepared for it, you would fight for your life as strongly as you can and hold on to the last threads of it until you’re actually dead. Now, you might think you’re not going to be able to survive or that you’re not good at it, but when the time comes, and your life is in danger, the mind goes into “wild-mode”. After the initial shock, you can still go on. You can still think and reason and find solutions to your problems, whilst giving every ounce of strenght you’ve ever gotten to keep yourself breathing. This is lusting for life – you just don’t want to let go of it.

Lust isn’t in itself a bad thing. Be it sexual or connected to the simplest needs, in the right measure it’s just like another hormone that floats around in our bodies making us want to eat something or drink a soda or maybe stare blankly at a wall. In the wrong quantity, however, you’re never sure if it won’t do you harm.. or hurt the object of it.

So, can I.. just.. you know… have you?